Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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