Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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