p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
two words...techno handjob
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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