I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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