Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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