thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
