You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
