was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
