I wish my penis had an off switch
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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