i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
