my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
