Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
