I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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