Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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