if you like me you must not know who I am
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
