i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
