I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
