Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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