Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So much rum. So many feels.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
