just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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