I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
