so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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