I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
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Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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