Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
