shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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