someone owes me an orgasm
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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