Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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