ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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