....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
