i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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