maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
