So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
