My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I need to align my fucking chakras
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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