i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
