if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
