I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
