I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
