i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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