Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
