Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
