Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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