My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
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Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Your penis caused this!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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