you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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