You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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