i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
