My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
