If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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