Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
