Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
