i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My vagina is officially offended.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
