I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
