I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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