I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
