This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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