he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
