i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
