After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
