Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
