Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
