I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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